Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
What the hell is going on?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.