The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing