My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?