How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Accurate
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I created you as mosquito food.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father