Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
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Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Bro what is this
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no