(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?