i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now