Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
This why you should mind your business
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.