KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.