I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.