Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
why would tinder want me to say this