Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
You Might Also Like
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.