saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
You Might Also Like
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
*3.5 thank you very much.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes