I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.