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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue