Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
You Might Also Like
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
🙂🐾
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD