Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure