Human are so complicated
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Flowers bee like
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”