Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
You Might Also Like
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic