Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Science memes
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Most fashion shows these days…
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.