“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now