The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
The pasta is now
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
This week’s mood.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside