You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
What my back needs
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’