“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.