Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You Might Also Like
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….