Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”