A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.