Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in