Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.