Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.