Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Not my job 😂
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination