If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.