[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.