If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Risking my life for fun.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again