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911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
🤭😂
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.