There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
when dads have a rap battle
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.