I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Ken is short for chicken
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Oh my God.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”