Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?