I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that