I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
B
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
liiiiiiiiike
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]