All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You Might Also Like
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
sliding into dms like
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family