At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun