Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*looks at you in batman voice*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”