Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I found your tweet-up…
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014