and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
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The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
yes, those are my real potatoes.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie