I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Order here:
More here:
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.