God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
#parenting
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.