Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”