[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You Might Also Like
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.