as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
spicy snake
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her